We Wear the Same Clothes

Support, what it means to me

2009-10-01T11:16:00.009-05:00

As you may know, I am married to Jessica(Brian), the author of Jessica-who? We are definitely newlyweds but have been together going on six years now. While his cross dressing was something I did not know about at first it was his initial honesty about it that made it easy for me to accept him; yet, it was the realization of that his femme side was truly a big part of him that made it difficult for me to endure. Over years, I have watched as Jessica has matured into her own, and at times I have experienced all the extremes of positive and negative emotions possible to a human being.

I wanted to write about this because I realize that most people may think that as a supporting spouse you have to be happy, agreeable and supportive of your significant others exploration and their progression into their new identity at all times. Well, I am here to demystify those expectations that you may have of yourself and or that your spouse may have of you.

While cross dressing is definitely hard for the Crossdresser, I think most people forget how much impact it can have on a socially defined heterosexual relationship. Even more, one may forget that the range of emotions and roles the spouse of a crossdress has to play and endure. Frankly, at times I think that as the spouses of crossdressers we bear the brunt of all the burdens, making it hard if not harder at times for us than our spouses.

I cannot imagine nor can I think of any other instances when I have ever endured such extreme and contradicting emotions than those related crossdessing, most of which I had to keep to myself and obsessed over. There are times when I want to see Jessica happy and flourish but then there are times when I wonder what the future will hold for us and that uncertainty causes confusion, which leads me to feel guilty for thinking that way in the first place. I often find my self thinking " why can't you be a loving supportive wife? I feel horrible for judging and wanting. I feel even more crappy when I realize that my initial fears may prevent him from becoming the true person he deserves and wants to be. Most of all, I feel a like bad unsupportive wife.

However,it wasn't until of late, when I realized that I am in fact supportive. Partly, because Jessica tells me how much I have helped her and because I have also realized that being supportive does not mean neglecting my feelings. It does not mean that I can't go through all the range of emotions that I am feeling. I can still feel insecure, I know that is a valid feeling that needs acknowledging no matter what. Being supportive does mean however, being honest with yourself and your spouse about your thoughts and feelings and what they mean. The truth is, cross dressing can be really hard, coupled with identity issues and you have all the right ingredients to put strain on any type of relationship.

My point is, there is no easy formula to being a supportive spouse, all that anyone can expect of you (especially you of yourself) is a willingness to talk and listen and love your spouse unconditionally.

Yes, We Wear the Same Clothes!

2009-06-19T17:55:00.011-05:00

As the title of this article and the blog suggests my husband and I do wear the same clothes. Really we do, alright I'll be honest, while we cannot share shoes, we do share some things. Though I am usually a size 2-4 in clothing and he is a size 10 we still find a lot of things to share. Sometimes it can be tricky but we manage to share items like shirts, sweaters, even skirts and some tights/hose.The trick is, the smaller person is usually the one doing most of the borrowing.

I often borrow Jessica's sweaters especially those that are size mediums and button them half way and role or push up the sleeves. With t-shirts I usually wear them a little loose mimicking the boyfriend look or put on an undershirt and tie a knot on the side for an eighties feel. We usually buy our hose or tights in his size since they are not such a big difference in fit for me.
When it comes to long shirts and sweaters, I either wear them like a shirt dress with a pair of leggings, or this same combo with a mini skirt.

If it is summer or some what warm outside however, I just wrap a cute belt around it and wear it with a pair scandals.

Beyond clothing Jessica and I also share accessories such as purses and jewelry. This is definitely, a great way to save money, get more wear out of our items and still look good. Jessica and I believe this type of sharing is not only great for our pocket books but also doubles both our wardrobes.

If you are transgender and or a crossdresser, try sharing clothing with your spouse, sister etc (that is if they are open to it of course). Even if you are not the same size or even close, try sharing jewelry and purses. If your are a spouse or know someone who is trans and or a crossdresser, trying lending them some of your things, you would be amazed how happy you will make them. Even if you are not the same size or have the same style, a lot of clothes are so versatile and can be used in another way to represent their style as well.

If you have ever shared a piece of clothing with a sibling or a great friend, this is pretty much the same idea here, except your spouse probably wont mind as much, in fact I am sure they will feel honored that you have donned something of their female self. Though wearing my sister/girl friend's clothes was always an experience, sometimes good, sometimes bad, I always felt like we were always closer for sharing. So, go ahead, take a chance, wear the same clothes!

Crossdressing in the Media

2009-06-04T15:32:00.000-05:00

Article Here

For many years crossdressing has been occurring in the media, and most of the time it is seen and interpreted as comical. Whether they are popular skits by comedians such as Jamie Fox or Jim Carrey to even more disgraceful displays on talk shows such as Jerry Springer. Though, I feel that there are some positive displays of transgenders in the media (Tyra Banks did a series on her show), which has brought a greater awareness to society and the recognition of the group. It does seem that most of it is still portrayed and interpreted as very comical.

Yesterday I was surfing the web and came across an article and youtube video which shows Joe Jonas (part of Jonas Brothers) performing his rendition of Beyonce's popular song "Put a Ring on it". It was nice to see him work his butt off trying to imitate Beyonce in those heels, I thought it was quite cool that he was vulnerable with the world. However, when I started reading some of the comments left by visitors, they were mostly negative and either questioned his sexuality or viewed it as comical. A few visitors said "odd. i always knew he was gay!" "omg. that is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo weird.... and creepy." "Yes, his sexuality is definitely in question all the more after this stunt."

Which brings me to my point, It is at best comical, because society still has such a negative reaction when a man cross dresses. It seems that their sexuality is always called into question. When will it be clear that men in women's clothing does not always equal gay. Frankly, what is so comical about being gay anyway? What about gender, when will people realize that gender and sexuality are not congruent? I can see how it can be a common misconception but it seems that transgenders will be forced to fight this battle now and in the future. If our transgendered husbands, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, etc are to be successful, then we as spouses and loved ones have the duty to support them through this journey.

Support that Matters, Part 2

2009-05-31T13:11:00.004-05:00

I paused for a second and then said don't give up, I'll help you. Let's do it together. He stopped, thought about it and hesitated, then began to roll off excuses as if he had revised them in his head. I persisted and it took only a minute for me to convince him why it would a great idea to continue his preparation.In about 5 mins his makeup was done, and in a another 10 he was dressed and ready to go. He was happier than ever and could not thank me enough for not allowing him to give up. We enjoyed the rest of the night watching a movie together and relaxing around the house until it was bedtime.

The moral of the story is life is messy, it may impede the perfection that you seek, but don't allow the seeking of perfection prevent you from doing something you want to do. If it's only wearing a piece of clothing that makes you feel feminine, then do it. Make your own perfection, reshape the way you define it. If you feel that you have to be perfect then seek support form others in preparing to reduce the time. If you're fortunate where you are able to find this time when you need it, then consider yourself very lucky.

Wives/significant others, my advice as always is to encourage your spouses to do the things they want to do instead of just talking about it. Be their voice of reason, support them with this as much as you would anything else. Believe it or not, crossdressing is as important, if not more important than anything else they have ever pursued or in which they showed interest. The fact is, most men will have a hard time passing (they may often feel embarrassed because of this) and most are very aware of this, so it must be really important to them, if they still continue to dress up.

Many women also seek this perfection in everyday life only to find that it is very difficult to achieve on an everyday basis. What's more, many transpeople (crossdressers included) impose these high standards upon themselves and are left to feel depressed when they can't carve out a hours at a time to look their best. From a trans perspective I am sure men will say that they need all this time because they were not born looking this good. The truth is, many Genetic Girls (GGs) are not either. We are insecure and sometimes have many more flaws than guys. We come in all shapes and sizes: broad shoulders, taller than average, big hands and feet, and some women even have mustaches and beards to worry about as well.Obviously, men have more hair and it is darker than women's hair but we endure a lot similarities with body images, putting our looks together and feeling great about ourselves.

When we use the standards set by others as our guides, we are often left feeling inferior. My advice for trans population and women is, don't depend on the media or society to tell you what being feminine is or has to be, let's create our own standards for ourselves which is more attainable and suitable for our lifestyles.

Support that Matters! Part 1

2009-05-31T12:48:00.007-05:00

About two weeks ago, my husband and I decided that it would be best if he cross dressed before our guest arrived. His sister would be coming in to town that Wednesday afternoon and she would be staying with us for over a week and was also traveling with us to New York. Currently, we live a one bedroom apartment and we were also planning on sharing a bedroom with her while in New York.

Our week started at usual, with school consuming most of our lives and before we knew it was Tuesday evening. We both stared at each other in amazement thinking of all the things we still had to do before our guest was here. Worst of all, we still did not make time for him to dress up and enjoy his feminine side. We immediately sprung into action and devised a plan. I would take care of the household chores while he would start prepping for transformation (JESSICA).

It had been about a week or so since he last crossdressed so I figured it would take a while. Usually his preparation includes shaving his legs --really long legs-- and his face. Then it's on to starting the makeup process. In estimation this usually takes anywhere from an hour an a half to two hours, (in his estimation is it usually less). So,while I focused on the chores, I figured I would wait a while before I checked in on him. After about an hour and a half, I found him in front of bathroom mirror fussing with the concealer and this look of dismay on his face. He seemed broken and sad and this seemed very unusual.

Unusual because he is usually confident, happy and has loud music in the background when applying his makeup. Though he is not confident in his makeup skills because I want him to be independent so he applies his concealer, foundation and sometimes eye makeup--he has always seemed content. I sometimes do most of it for sometimes through necessity. Inquisition into this unusual display while transforming led me to discover that he was discouraged.

He was concerned that so much time had passed and our evening was coming to an end. It was about 9:30 pm and he thought of all the things he had left to do before he would be able to become Jessica. He figured it would not be worth his while to do bother since he would be bed time soon. While, he rattled off the list: finish my makeup (1/2 hour), pick out an outfit and get dressed (another 1/2 hour). He put down the makeup brush, turned off the bathroom light, walked past me and proceeded to our living room.

Stayed Tuned to see if Jessica gets a chance for self expression.

The Questions Wives Ask.. How I Dealt with Them

2009-04-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

After my husband Brian told me about his crossdressing and I had time to process it. My opinions changed from cool, that awesome to umm what does this really mean? I was so confused, naturally being the problem solver that I am, I wanted to know more about crossdressing. More specifically, I wanted to know why he wanted to crossdress? And since we were so madly in love, I wanted to know what this really meant for our relationship. Would I have to be without him, I mean my man in all of his masculine glory? I soon learned the answer to these questions are not as simple yes or no but that the real answer is, it can be complicated.

At the time, research on the internet led to me great information, mostly background information on crossdressers, but I wanted more. I found with time that I wanted to get the perspective of my partner and most importantly other female partners. I was not sure what all these answers would be, so I had to ask because to be honest I had no idea what to think.

So after months of research I wanted to ask Brian all these questions, it was difficult at first and I could tell he wanted to be honest with me but something was holding him back. I did not feel like I got all the answers I wanted but for the moment I was satisfied. This is what I found out. He had a female name that he gave to himself around the time of starting college, her name is Jessica. He loved women and dressed that way to see a sexy woman in the mirror but mostly because he was sexually aroused and he wanted to explore his feminine side. So would I lose my man in the bedroom? His answer was no, not always. The trick or at least our compromise was that I would decide when he could dress up during our intimate times.

This seemed logical at first, but proved to be problematic and as the months passed, I realized that he did not only wanted me to tell him when to dress but he also wanted me to assist him in doing so, and I became confused again. I did not realize that he was depending on me solely to dress. I thought he would do it on his own when he wanted to and had some free time but I could not understand why he depended on me so much.

So we talked about it and felt good again and all seemed right with the world. Soon after, something else would happen and we would fall back into the same patterns, I was confused and he was frustrated. This happened for the next 3 years. I could see our relationship falling apart, what is worst, is that I knew that something was always wrong when we were home together and just sitting around. He always seemed irritated and just felt unhappy. So these were the facts, I wanted him dress whenever he wanted even if I was home. When I was home, I did not want him to hide his dressing (because I felt like it was just wrong) but I did not want him to feel like he needed my approval. Still, he was very uncomfortable and had a hard time dressing when I was home. Since we are almost, always home at the same time, it seemed like this was inevitable. So, we tried talking again, about what it meant for him to have my approval. This is what I understood, he wants my approval not just because he is in a relationship with me but because he admires me a women, he admires my style as well my opinion on his clothes and what he does. He wants to know that when I am around he is not making me feel uncomfortable.

Beyond these discussions we rarely talked about his dressing or his feelings. When we did talk about them, I always felt overwhelmed, and felt more like his therapist and less like his girlfriend. I had to be careful to suppress my feeling when he spoke or expressed something sensitive but potentially offensive to me because I knew he had no one else with whom to share these feeling. More importantly, I did not have the heart at times to tell him how frustrating all this made me. I felt like he was just confused, from his action to his speech nothing seemed consistent. I grew weary of it all and while the talks seemed exhausting at times, I began to realize that he was not truly being honest with me or himself. This realization led to a lot of reevaluation within my self and I began ask him why are we unhappy? Please tell me really what is going on?

To be continued.....
Check back next time to see how we helped Jessica finally come out to herself and how I dealt with it.

Who to Tell and What is the Best Way to Tell Them About My Crossdressing?

2009-04-25T14:24:00.021-05:00

What is the best way to tell someone about your gender identity, crossdressing etc.? Most importantly, whom should you tell? I feel compelled to address these questions because they seem to be very common.

I feel that these questions have many answers. If you are looking for a simple answer, then it is: it depends on your situation, how you identify and your relationship with that person. If you identify as transgender or a crossdresser, then it may be a little more difficult to express your identity than say a transsexaul. My advice is that you should tell your partner/spouse as soon as possible. Preferably before marriage, but if you are already married, then you should tell your wife/husband as soon as possible.

I do urge you to tell your partner as soon as possible for many reasons, especially if you live under the same roof. Here is why: other than yourself, your partner will probably be the next person who is directly affected by your identity, the choices you make and who you are. As a wife to a crossdresser, I can attest firsthand how Brian's choices to suppress Jessica almost proved detrimental to our relationship. Even though I knew about his crossdressing, there were times when I could tell something was wrong and we were very unhappy. It turns out, he was not truly being honest about how important crossdressing was to him and how much exploring he needed to do. Truth is, he was still finding himself and needed the room and support to do so.
Chances are your partner may know something is wrong but cannot figure out what it is that makes you so unhappy. And finally, it is a great feeling to know that there are no secrets between you and your partner.

As it pertains to everyone else, I guess it depends. I think your children should receive some special treatment. We don't have kids as of yet, but we do plan on it someday. We do hope that this is something that they wont find as a burden and if it were ever to be this way, I am not sure what we would do. We will let them see from a younger age that this is not an issue in our house, i.e. by the way their father dresses. We also hope to rid gender roles in our household, and when they are older we hope these are things they will carry with them.

Outside of your spouse and your children, I believe that anyone else whom you decide to tell is a bonus. For us, Brian's CD is more private, he does not have the desire to really pass as a woman on the street, at least not today. So, outside of his mother, myself and a few friends, no one else is the wiser. Therefore, telling others is definitely a personal choice; it depends on how much you want to share.

Should I tell them? Well, my advice is if you are thinking about telling someone there is a great chance that you think they will take it well. Second, you are probably overreacting. As a sociologist, research on the topic has shown that most transgenders told people who were accepting, supportive and reacted better than expected. Those who were not supportive at first, after given some time to process it, became supportive.

How should I tell them? I was told before we had any kind of intimacy. At first, he told me how he liked dressing in women's clothing and it how it made him feel. Even though I had never heard of a straight man like this before, I do remember my uncle on occasion would wear my mom's clothes as a joke. I always had an inkling that this was something he wanted to do but no one was ever quite sure. At the time he told me, I just remember thinking that if my uncle was truly this way, I would hope no one would ever make fun of him or make him feel uncomfortable. Besides, to be brutally honest, at the time Brian told me, I was already head over heels for him and nothing was ever going to change that. So, after I had some time to process it, we talked about it and whatever I could not understand I researched.

I do believe in telling them a little at a time. Let them know how and why you do it and how it makes you feel. Encourage questions, and DO check-in later to see how they feel. DON'T downplay its importance to you, but DO give them space to figure out their feelings and DO let vent their feelings, even if it is frustrating or not initially supportive. More than likely, they will react better than you think. If they are not supportive at all, at least you had the courage to share with someone else and now they know the truth. If in the end they are not at all supportive, maybe one day they will come around but don't hold your breath. There are plenty of people out there who are supportive and will love you for who you are. So take a chance, maybe you will be pleasantly surprised.

As a disclaimer, this information is geared towards newer couples, and people who have only been married for a short time. If you are in a long term relationship which is decades old and you have never told your spouse, then I feel that you have to use your own judgment on this one. However, I am believer that sharing your true identity, especially with your spouse, will be refreshing and liberating. Good Luck!

Rebecca

Who is Jessica? The Man I Married.

2009-04-24T14:51:00.004-05:00

Brian and I are both students living in the Chicago area. We have decided to use pseudonyms to protect our identities. We have decided to start blogs for both therapeutic reasons and for passing on our experiences in the hopes of helping others. Brian considers himself a Male to Female crossdresser. He does not necessarily identify with the terms transvestite or transgender but is not offended by them either. As far as his crossdressing goes, we have two rules. He can do it when he wants and he should never hide it or his true feeling from me.

As students our lives are filled with many activities, even though we are often home bound (we work from home a lot), Brian will try to find at least one day a week if he is lucky to dress up as Jessica. Yes he had chosen a femme name, he told me he loved this name and decided to use it around the time he was a freshman in college, (for more info about Jessica, visit jessicaquien.blogspot.com).

As a wife I am happy and fulfilled. We lead normal lives, we have many friends and we enjoy sports and video games. As the wife of a crossdresser, I am Jessica's girlfriend, best friend, stylist, confidant, therapist and makeup artist. These roles have been at times confusing, intertwined and frustrating yet I have reaped nothing but rewards as I have watched Jessica become the person she is today. She is more accepting, open minded, caring and most of all loving.

From a wife's perspective, my husband is crossdresser and yes I am happy. This may not be the case for everyone in this position. But having husband who is a crossdresser is not a death sentence to your marriage or relationship. Though I am not always happy with Brian and his crossdressing, I have learned that the best way to deal with it is to learn all you can about your partner's femme side and be supportive. It is best to help them figure out who they are than to stifle their female counterparts. You will both be happier in the long run, even if staying together is not an option. It is probably best to encourage them to pursue their real identities because if this is not the route you take. You won't really know your husband, he wont really know himself and you would have been living a lie.

So when Brian Crossdress, I can still see the man inside that I felt in love with, even when he is dressed as Jessica, I know he is there. I do admit that when he crossdress and tries to kiss me I feel a little uneasy. However, when he does crossdress, on occasion we are able to partake in regular activities and have a good time playing video games or watching a movie at home. He is more in touch with his feminine side, he is caring, sensitive and more in tune with my feeling sometimes even more than I am. He is the man I felt in love with, his appearance and female clothes does not mask his masculine side but enhances it. He is Brian, he is Jessica, he is a she, he is the man I married.

We Met, We Fell in Love.... He told me he was a Crossdresser?

2009-04-21T22:30:00.000-05:00

I have known my husband now for a little over five years. It seems strange at times that I would think that we have been together for a long time, yet, I know as far as marriage goes, this is just a tip of the iceberg. Furthermore, I know that five years is still a very short time to get to know someone fully. As the days go by we learn new things about each other and there is never a dull moment. To be frank, we met through friends and though it took some convincing for me to realize that he was a sweet person, the moment we began to spend time together, we knew something was just right.

After about a month of dating, he told me about his Crossdressing. It did not seem like a big deal at first, partly because he downplayed its importance in his life and I thought I was too liberal to even bother to say anything but... cool! That's awesome! Almost, in an insensitive manner when I look back but since then, we have learned that Crossdressing, like everything in our lives, has and is a process. So for the past five years, we having been living together, sharing with and supporting each other.

I hope to use this blog as a platform for wives, girlfriends, parents and anyone else who cares about or is a crossdresser. I hope our experiences will help anyone who needs an outlet or has questions. If my perspective can do so much as help one person realize that they are not alone, then I would have accomplished a great deal. If someone is able to come to realization that there are in fact many men who are heterosexual crossdressers, and their partner, brother, son, friend is not the only one. I am doing this not just for the sheer satisfaction of knowing that I have done something pleasing but because I remember how difficult things were, when we finally decided to be really honest and up front with each other and truly explored what being a crossdresser meant for both him and me. When things where difficult, I felt like it would have been nice to know what other women were going through; and in spite our growth, we feel like we have a lot left to learn and we hope to share our (mostly my) experiences with you. I will do my best to update this blog weekly and hope somethings will resonate with and help you through your journey.

Peace and Love,

Rebecca