We Wear the Same Clothes

As you may know, I am married to Jessica(Brian), the author of Jessica-who? We are definitely newlyweds but have been together going on six years now. While his cross dressing was something I did not know about at first it was his initial honesty about it that made it easy for me to accept him; yet, it was the realization of that his femme side was truly a big part of him that made it difficult for me to endure. Over years, I have watched as Jessica has matured into her own, and at times I have experienced all the extremes of positive and negative emotions possible to a human being.

I wanted to write about this because I realize that most people may think that as a supporting spouse you have to be happy, agreeable and supportive of your significant others exploration and their progression into their new identity at all times. Well, I am here to demystify those expectations that you may have of yourself and or that your spouse may have of you.

While cross dressing is definitely hard for the Crossdresser, I think most people forget how much impact it can have on a socially defined heterosexual relationship. Even more, one may forget that the range of emotions and roles the spouse of a crossdress has to play and endure. Frankly, at times I think that as the spouses of crossdressers we bear the brunt of all the burdens, making it hard if not harder at times for us than our spouses.

I cannot imagine nor can I think of any other instances when I have ever endured such extreme and contradicting emotions than those related crossdessing, most of which I had to keep to myself and obsessed over. There are times when I want to see Jessica happy and flourish but then there are times when I wonder what the future will hold for us and that uncertainty causes confusion, which leads me to feel guilty for thinking that way in the first place. I often find my self thinking " why can't you be a loving supportive wife? I feel horrible for judging and wanting. I feel even more crappy when I realize that my initial fears may prevent him from becoming the true person he deserves and wants to be. Most of all, I feel a like bad unsupportive wife.

However,it wasn't until of late, when I realized that I am in fact supportive. Partly, because Jessica tells me how much I have helped her and because I have also realized that being supportive does not mean neglecting my feelings. It does not mean that I can't go through all the range of emotions that I am feeling. I can still feel insecure, I know that is a valid feeling that needs acknowledging no matter what. Being supportive does mean however, being honest with yourself and your spouse about your thoughts and feelings and what they mean. The truth is, cross dressing can be really hard, coupled with identity issues and you have all the right ingredients to put strain on any type of relationship.

My point is, there is no easy formula to being a supportive spouse, all that anyone can expect of you (especially you of yourself) is a willingness to talk and listen and love your spouse unconditionally.

As the title of this article and the blog suggests my husband and I do wear the same clothes. Really we do, alright I'll be honest, while we cannot share shoes, we do share some things. Though I am usually a size 2-4 in clothing and he is a size 10 we still find a lot of things to share. Sometimes it can be tricky but we manage to share items like shirts, sweaters, even skirts and some tights/hose.The trick is, the smaller person is usually the one doing most of the borrowing.

I often borrow Jessica's sweaters especially those that are size mediums and button them half way and role or push up the sleeves. With t-shirts I usually wear them a little loose mimicking the boyfriend look or put on an undershirt and tie a knot on the side for an eighties feel. We usually buy our hose or tights in his size since they are not such a big difference in fit for me.
When it comes to long shirts and sweaters, I either wear them like a shirt dress with a pair of leggings, or this same combo with a mini skirt.



If it is summer or some what warm outside however, I just wrap a cute belt around it and wear it with a pair scandals.



Beyond clothing Jessica and I also share accessories such as purses and jewelry. This is definitely, a great way to save money, get more wear out of our items and still look good. Jessica and I believe this type of sharing is not only great for our pocket books but also doubles both our wardrobes.

If you are transgender and or a crossdresser, try sharing clothing with your spouse, sister etc (that is if they are open to it of course). Even if you are not the same size or even close, try sharing jewelry and purses. If your are a spouse or know someone who is trans and or a crossdresser, trying lending them some of your things, you would be amazed how happy you will make them. Even if you are not the same size or have the same style, a lot of clothes are so versatile and can be used in another way to represent their style as well.

If you have ever shared a piece of clothing with a sibling or a great friend, this is pretty much the same idea here, except your spouse probably wont mind as much, in fact I am sure they will feel honored that you have donned something of their female self. Though wearing my sister/girl friend's clothes was always an experience, sometimes good, sometimes bad, I always felt like we were always closer for sharing. So, go ahead, take a chance, wear the same clothes!

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For many years crossdressing has been occurring in the media, and most of the time it is seen and interpreted as comical. Whether they are popular skits by comedians such as Jamie Fox or Jim Carrey to even  more  disgraceful displays on talk shows such as Jerry Springer. Though, I feel that there are some positive displays of transgenders in the media (Tyra Banks did a series on her show),  which has brought a greater awareness to society and the  recognition of the group. It does seem that most of it is still  portrayed and interpreted as very comical.

Yesterday I was surfing the web and came across an article and youtube video which shows Joe Jonas  (part of Jonas Brothers)  performing his rendition of Beyonce's  popular song "Put a Ring on it". It was nice to see him work his butt off trying to imitate Beyonce in those heels, I thought it was quite cool that he was vulnerable with the world.  However, when I started reading some of the comments left by visitors, they were mostly negative and either questioned his sexuality or  viewed it as comical. A few visitors said "odd. i always knew he was gay!" "omg. that is soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo weird.... and creepy." "Yes, his sexuality is definitely in question all the more after this stunt."

Which brings me to my point, It is at best comical, because society still has such a negative reaction when a man cross dresses.  It seems that their sexuality is always called into question. When will it be clear that  men in women's  clothing does not always equal gay. Frankly, what is so comical about being gay anyway? What about gender, when will people realize that gender and sexuality are not congruent? I can see how  it can be a common misconception but it seems that transgenders will be forced to fight this battle now and in the future. If our transgendered husbands, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, etc are to be successful, then we as spouses and loved ones have the duty to support them through this journey.

I paused for a second and then said don't give up, I'll help you. Let's do it together. He stopped, thought about it and hesitated, then began to roll off excuses as if he had revised them in his head. I persisted and it took only a minute for me to convince him why it would a great idea to continue his preparation.In about 5 mins his makeup was done, and in a another 10 he was dressed and ready to go. He was happier than ever and could not thank me enough for not allowing him to give up. We enjoyed the rest of the night watching a movie together and relaxing around the house until it was bedtime.

The moral of the story is life is messy, it may impede the perfection that you seek, but don't allow the seeking of perfection prevent you from doing something you want to do. If it's only wearing a piece of clothing that makes you feel feminine, then do it. Make your own perfection, reshape the way you define it. If you feel that you have to be perfect then seek support form others in preparing to reduce the time. If you're fortunate where you are able to find this time when you need it, then consider yourself very lucky.

Wives/significant others, my advice as always is to encourage your spouses to do the things they want to do instead of just talking about it. Be their voice of reason, support them with this as much as you would anything else. Believe it or not, crossdressing is as important, if not more important than anything else they have ever pursued or in which they showed interest. The fact is, most men will have a hard time passing (they may often feel embarrassed because of this) and most are very aware of this, so it must be really important to them, if they still continue to dress up.

Many women also seek this perfection in everyday life only to find that it is very difficult to achieve on an everyday basis. What's more, many transpeople (crossdressers included) impose these high standards upon themselves and are left to feel depressed when they can't carve out a hours at a time to look their best. From a trans perspective I am sure men will say that they need all this time because they were not born looking this good. The truth is, many Genetic Girls (GGs) are not either. We are insecure and sometimes have many more flaws than guys. We come in all shapes and sizes: broad shoulders, taller than average, big hands and feet, and some women even have mustaches and beards to worry about as well.Obviously, men have more hair and it is darker than women's hair but we endure a lot similarities with body images, putting our looks together and feeling great about ourselves.

When we use the standards set by others as our guides, we are often left feeling inferior. My advice for trans population and women is, don't depend on the media or society to tell you what being feminine is or has to be, let's create our own standards for ourselves which is more attainable and suitable for our lifestyles.